Hating on the NHL

So suddenly I have become intrigued with the Bruins playoff run. I am absolutely an outsider looking in. I know most people have written off the NHL as the No Hope League. I am first and foremost a fan of baseball notably the Red Sox. Then the NFL and Pats. I even have been known to watch a Celtics game here and there (more so this season), but have just never ever wanted to sit down and watch a hockey game. There has been nothing here to really want to watch. Even as an outsider, I have seen the ineptitude that the Bruins have been run with. I knew that Joe Thornton was a keeper, but I digress. I guess what I am saying is that I would be proud to be a bandwagon jumper and would love to see the B's beat the Habs in a 7 game series. I may not be watching, but I will jump back and check in on the game.

A FEW LEFTOVERS

Alright I promise, after this I will drop the Chuck Norris lines. I will have them here solely for reference purposes.

92. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

93. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

94. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint

95. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

96. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks

97. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

98. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time

99. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris

100. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

101. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day

102. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

103. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

104. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

105. When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it

106. Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

107. Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

108. Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

109. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris

110. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

111. Chuck Norris can taste lies.

112. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

113. The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

114. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy

115. Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

116. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

117. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun

118. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

119. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks

120. Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

121. For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

Here it is...Chuck Norris in all his glory

Alright kiddos, here they are. As pirated by yours truly off many different sites, put together for the first time...The 91 best Chuck Norris lines I could find in 1 night. As usual, please feel free to comment me and tell me what a rip off I am and even better yet add to the list.

Peace

Jimi

1. Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch you in the soul.

2. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5

3. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"

4. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

5. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

6. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

7. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

8. Chuck Norris can speak braile.

9. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

10. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

11. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

12. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

13. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

14. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

16. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

17. Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

18. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, Chuck Norris will still be able to kick your ass.

19. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

20. Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris

21. Prostate cancer gets regularly checked for Chuck Norris.

22. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

23. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

24. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

25. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

26. Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.

27. Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.

28. Chuck Norris likes to “knit sweaters” in his spare time, and by “knit” I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters” I mean “your ass”.

29. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

30. Chuck Norris owns and operates his own restaurant in Lubbock, Texas. Knuckle sandwiches are the only thing on the menu.

31. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

32. Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

33. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

34. Chuck Norris is can slam a revolving door

35. Chuck Norris makes onions cry

36. Chuck Norris sends SPAM everyday to everyone in the world. Using only a casio calculator.

37. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

38. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

39. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn

40. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

41. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

42. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

43. Chuck Norris pubic hair is the main ingrediant in sos pads

44. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s f**king beef.

45. Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

46. Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

47. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

48. On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.

49. Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork and knife

50. Chuck Norris can watch 60 minutes in 22 minutes

51. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer..to bad he has never cried

52. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin’ bout

53. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce for eye drops.

54. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter

55. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

56. What’s the last thing to go through your mind when Chuck Norris is killing you? His boot.

57. There are no signs of life on Mars because Chuck Norris got there first.

58. Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag, he potato sacks.

59. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris

60. Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse in the face, now we call it a giraffe.

61. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

62. The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

63. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

64. Chuck Norris was fishing in the Atlantic ocean on an iceberg, when a huge ship bore down on him. Chuck threw a roundhouse kick and sunk the ship. That ship was the Titanic. Jim Cameron's movie forgot to credit who really sunk the ship and now he's got a death mark upon him by Chuck.

65. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

66. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one

67. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

68. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds

69. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

70. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

71. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

72. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins

73. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

74. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

75. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

76. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

77. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

78. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

79. Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends"

80. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things

81. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye

82. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

83. Every time you masterbate, Chuck Norris punches a Mexican baby in the face

84. When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.

85. When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

86. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

87. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

88. Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

89. Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius

90. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

91. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink

Just a little heads up...

I am working on something extra special for all 6 of you reading. And by 6 I mean Mom logging on 6 times to check out this darn interneter thing.

Peace,

Jimi

Whats the big deal?

So I admit it. Whenever there seems to be some new social phenomenon, I always seem to be about a week, month, year behind. My Space was almost out when I finally got in. It seems now that I've decided to finally write a blog, I find out that a high percentage of my friends that I had no idea did write blogs in fact do write blogs. I don't mind being behind the times. So where I'm going with this is that this morning I was looking at my Facebook account and decided that I don't get it. It seems very complicated and hard to function. Maybe it's not, but it sure seems so.

So I have come to realize that I'm getting old. I know that I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill, but man I feel it. I had a conversation yesterday with a couple of my friends around my age and our conversation was about our gray hair. I found a gray hair in my goatee about 2 months ago and I kinda laughed it off. Well now they have crept into my sideburns and suddenly its becoming real that I'm getting older.

The weird thing is that I'm an adult, I have a child of my own, but I still consider myself the same way as when I was almost 20. Well kind of. I can now go to the store and buy beer whenever I want without worry that someone is going too look closely at my id. I wonder if there is a point in life where you fully accept that you are no longer a child and completely an adult. Well I hope that never happens to me, although turning 30 seems to be a bigger milestone than I expected or had hoped personally that it would be. Gone now are the nights staying up until day light and sleeping until dark. As my friend Mikey would say, I have Old Balls.

I suppose with age comes greater responsibility. I have decided that the next great goal in life for me is to buy a house. So I have put my energy to starting a savings plan to get some cash for a down payment. Hopefully I will be able to find something in my price range that is not somewhere north of the Notch.

Well for now, this is a receding hairlined, starting to go gray haired, technologicly impotent, father of a son who knows more about my computer than I do, signing off.

Peace,

Jimi

The abuse of capitalism

I was going for a ride with a friend of mine last night and we were talking about fuel efficent cars. I of course started talking about my beloved volkswagen and how the new clean diesel with 50 state safe emissions will be coming out this summer. Then I saw the price of diesel and it made me think. Why the hell is diesel over $4.00 a gallon?

For those of you who don't know, diesel is a less refined fuel than gasoline. This in turn should make it cost less, no? Well it used to be that way. Diesel was usually at least 10-20 cents less a gallon than gas. For whatever reason now diesel is a full dollar more than gasoline.

This effects everything in our lives more than you could imagine. Every time we go to the mall to buy a cd, or a new hat or go grocery shopping, or buy gas for that matter, we are purchasing items delivered by a truck that runs on diesel. Wonder why milk is now almost $5.00 a gallon?

I have a friend who owns his own truck and in turn has to pay for his own fuel. He was telling me that 4 years ago his fuel bill in a month is now what it is in a week. Can you imagine that? Your costs go up 400%, but your salary pretty much stays the same.

I guess that this takes me to the rant in the title. How is it that the oil companies are getting away with charging us absurd prices for fuel and gas all the while reporting record profits. I think that I want to throw up a little in my mouth whenever I fill up my car. Just last night I decided to fill up my VW. Mind you I had 3/8 of a tank when I pulled into the gas station. $31 dollars later I was filled to the top. And that was in the Jetta. The Passat to fill is over $50. I know I am writing something that everybody else has to deal with also, but I mean come on, really, when will this stop? $5.00, $6.00, $10.00 for a gallon of gas? We seem to be facing a national economic slowdown and how much of it is related to the fact that everything is now more expensive because some fat cat at Mobil is getting fatter. That, my friends, is the abuse of capitalism.

Well now that I got that off my chest,

Peace
Jimi

Some random thoughts. Don't worry. I'm sure all of the future thoughts will be random also.

So here it is. My introduction to the world of blogging. I suppose it is mandatory for everybody to have an introduction blog. The one that says to the world "This is what I have to say!" I plan to have some interesting little tid bits. Things I find humorous throughout the days and weeks of my life. Wait...am I reading this from a script somewhere? I am not sure where this ride is going to take me, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. Until the morrow, this is J Bell signing off (sound of national anthem and black and white flag blowing...static)