Peace
Jimi
1. Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch you in the soul.
2. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5
3. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"
4. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
5. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
6. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
7. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris can speak braile.
9. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
10. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
11. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
12. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.
13. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
14. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
16. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
17. Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
18. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, Chuck Norris will still be able to kick your ass.
19. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
20. Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris
21. Prostate cancer gets regularly checked for Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
23. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
24. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
25. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
26. Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
27. Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.
28. Chuck Norris likes to “knit sweaters” in his spare time, and by “knit” I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters” I mean “your ass”.
29. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
30. Chuck Norris owns and operates his own restaurant in Lubbock, Texas. Knuckle sandwiches are the only thing on the menu.
31. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
32. Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
33. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.
34. Chuck Norris is can slam a revolving door
35. Chuck Norris makes onions cry
36. Chuck Norris sends SPAM everyday to everyone in the world. Using only a casio calculator.
37. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
38. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
39. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn
40. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
41. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
42. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
43. Chuck Norris pubic hair is the main ingrediant in sos pads
44. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s f**king beef.
45. Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
46. Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
47. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.48. On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.
49. Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork and knife
50. Chuck Norris can watch 60 minutes in 22 minutes
51. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer..to bad he has never cried
52. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin’ bout
53. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce for eye drops.
54. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter
55. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg
56. What’s the last thing to go through your mind when Chuck Norris is killing you? His boot.
57. There are no signs of life on Mars because Chuck Norris got there first.
58. Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag, he potato sacks.
59. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris
60. Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse in the face, now we call it a giraffe.
61. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
62. The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
63. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.
64. Chuck Norris was fishing in the Atlantic ocean on an iceberg, when a huge ship bore down on him. Chuck threw a roundhouse kick and sunk the ship. That ship was the Titanic. Jim Cameron's movie forgot to credit who really sunk the ship and now he's got a death mark upon him by Chuck.
65. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
66. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
67. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
68. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds
69. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
70. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
71. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
72. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins
73. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
74. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
75. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
76. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
77. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
78. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
79. Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends"
80. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things
81. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye
82. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
83. Every time you masterbate, Chuck Norris punches a Mexican baby in the face
84. When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.
85. When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
86. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card
87. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
88. Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
89. Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius
90. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
91. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink
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